Bad Music Joke of the
These jokes are so bad I can't Handel them.
They make me Lizstless.
They can be too Mendelssohn.
You'd better go out Bach and stay in Haydn.
- Cadence: When everybody hopes you're
going to stop, but you don't.
Final Cadence: When they force you to stop.
- Virtuoso: a musician with very
high morals. (I know one.)
- There were two people walking
down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money
- What does a Steinway? Oh, about
- What's the first thing a musician says at
"Would you like fries with
- MUSIC: a complex organizations
of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the
conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored
by the audience
- Accidentals- Wrong notes.
Agitato- One's state of mind after playing a wrong note.
- Transposition: The act of moving
the pitch of a piece of music that is too
high for the sopranos to a point where it is too low for the basses.
- Arpeggio: "Ain't he that
storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
- What's the difference between a
fiddle and a violin?
No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
- The stages of a musician's
1.Who is <musician's name>?
2.Get me <musician's name>.
3.Get me someone who sounds like <musician's name>.
4.Get me a young <musician's name>.
5.Who is <musician's name>?
- You can tune a piano,
but you can't tuna fish.
Reply: Yes you can, you
simply adjust its scales.
- Q: What do you get when
you drop a piano on an army base?
A: A flat major.
- Q: What do you get when you
drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat miner.
- Clef: What you try never to
fall off of.
Bass Clef: Where you land if you do fall off.
- Metronome: a city-dwelling
- Cello: the proper way to
answer the phone.
- Baldwin = People without hair
- Melodic Minor: Loretta Lynn's
- Aeolian mode: how you like
Mama's cherry pie.
- Allegro: leg fertilizer
- Audition: The act of putting
oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the
sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.
- Pianos sure know how to put a
damper on things.
- Yamaha = Yes, Mother's funny
- Food for thought:
Couldn't a tuba be considered heavy metal?
- Tone Cluster: A chordal orgy
first discovered by a well-endowed woman pianist leaning forward for a page
- Score: A pile of all the
individual orchestral voices, transposed to C so that nobody else can
understand anything. This is what conductors follow when they conduct, and
it's assumed that they have studied it carefully. Very few conductors can
read a score.
- Vibrato: Used by singers to
hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
- Interval: How long it
takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds:
- Major Interval: a
- Minor Interval: a
- Inverted Interval:
when you have to go back one bar and try again
- Da Capo Al Fine- I like
- Rubato: Expression used
to describe irregular behavior in a performer with sensations of angst in
the mating period. Especially common amongst tenors.
- Bar Line: a gathering of
people, usually among which may be found a musician
- First Inversion: Grandpa's
battle group at Normandy.
- Q: Do you know
how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
No, but if you'll hum a few bars, I'll try to fake it.
- Orchestral suites: Naughty
women who follow touring orchestras.
- Q: What key is "Exploring The
Cave With No Flashlight" written in?
A: C sharp or B flat.
- Gregorian chant: A way of
singing in unison, invented by monks to hide snoring.
- Crescendo: A reminder to the
performer that he has been playing too loudly.
- Con Brio: Done with scouring
pads and washboards.
- Q: What do you get when an
army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?
A: A sharp major.
Q: What do you get if you
run over an army officer with a steam roller?
A: A flat major.
Q: What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over
with a steam roller?
A: Be flat, major.
Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
A: See flat major.
- Q: What's the difference
between musicians and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
- If thine enemy wrong thee,
buy each of his children a drum.
- What do you call a
guy with no arms or legs who can play 5 musical instruments?
Stump the Band.
- Q. Why are violins
smaller than violas?
A. They are really the same size. Violinists' heads are larger.
- Time Signature: what
you need from your boss if you forget to clock in.
- Chromatic Scale: An
instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.
- Musicians & Parking Meters
- Compound Meter: A place to park your car
that requires two dimes.
- Duple Meter: May take any even number of
- Triple Meter: Only rich people should
park by these.
- Meter Signature: The name of the maid
who writes you a ticket when you put an odd number of coins in a duple
- Agnus Dei: A woman
composer famous for her church music
- Altered Chord: A
sonority that has been spayed.
- Glissando: The musical equivalent of slipping on a
- treble: women [men]
ain't nothin' but
- bass: the things you run
around in baseball
- Crescendo: A
reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
An oratorio by Handel performed every Christmas by choirs that believe they
are good enough, in cooperation with musicians who need the money.
- Did you hear that Mr. Solfege had a dog? His name was Feedo.
- Duration: Can be
used to describe how long a music teacher can exercise self-control.
- FERMATA: A chance for the conductor
to catch his breath while attempting to make his wind players pass out.
- "Beethoven had an ear for music." -- anonymous
- Why did the Philharmonic disband? Excessive sax and violins.
- Q: What
do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again
and continue riding?
A: Bach in the saddle again.
- Bassoon -- Typical response when asked
what you hope to catch - and when
name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.
- Transpositions: Men who wear
- Tempo -- Good choice for a used car
"In opera, there is always too much singing." -- Claude Debussy
What's the best or fastest way to
With wire cutters.
- Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman
- Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
- Minimum safe distances between street
musicians and the public:
- Violinist: 25 feet
- Bad Violinist: 50 feet
- Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows
3 chords: 75 feet
- 15 year-old Electric Guitar
Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
- Accordionist: 60 miles
- Two musicians are walking down the street,
and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
- The other replies, "That was no piccolo,
that was my fife."
- Misery is...
...knowing that your hard drive has more gigs than you do.
- Steven Wright: I play the harmonica.
The only way I can play is if I get my car
going really fast, and stick it out the window.
- What do you get when you put a
diminished chord together with an augmented chord?
- What's an accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.
- What do you get if
Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
A pair of Re-bachs.
- BI-SECTIONAL -
The term given to one who plays different
instruments for different ensembles.
- A musical reviewer admitted
he always praised the first show of a new theatrical season: "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
- Q: Did you hear about the time the bass
player locked his keys in the car?
A: It took two hours to get the drummer out.
- What do you call a person who
plays the viola? A violator.
- What's the best thing to
play on a guitar? Solitaire.
- Q: Why did they bury the conductor
20 feet under?
A: Because deep down, he was a really nice guy.
is a brass player's favorite movie?
A singing waiter.
- One friend to another: "Why do you hang
around with that drummer??"
- Why does a violinist
have a handkerchief under his chin when he plays?
Because violins have
no spit valve.
- How many times does a
horn player laugh at a joke? - Once, when he hears it.
How many times does a trumpet player laugh at a joke? - Twice, once
when he hears it and again when he gets it.
How many times does a tuba player laugh at a joke - Three times,
once when he hears it, once when it's explained to him and once when
he gets it.
How many times does a percussionist laugh at a joke? - He
doesn't. He starts a fight because he thinks everyone is laughing at
- Why was the piano invented?
- So the musician would
have a place to put his beer.
- How many trumpet players does it take
to change a light bulb?
- Five. One to change the bulb and four to
contemplate how Louie Armstrong would have done it.
- Cadence: The short nickname of a rock group whose
full name is Cadence Clearwater Revival.
- What's half of a
tuba? A one-ba!
- The organ is the instrument of worship for
in its sounding we sense the Majesty of God, and in its ending we know the
Grace of God.
- Gone Chopin.
Bach in a minuet.
- Guy goes through customs with
a banjo case. The inspector nervously asks
the man to set the case on the table. Sweating, the inspector uses a long
stick to slowly open the case. He sighs a sigh of relief when the contents
reveal a machine gun and miscellaneous explosives.
"Pass! For a minute there, I
thought you had a banjo..."
When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings.
- Semiconductors are
- What's a tuba for? a 1 1/2 X 3 1/2
- What's the range of a tuba?
20 yards if you've
got a good arm.
- How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.
- Why is a bassoon better
than an oboe?
A bassoon burns longer.
- Q: How do you contact a baritone player?
- French Horn: What wife says you
smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
- Flute: A
sophisticated pea shooter with a range of up to 500 yards, blown
transversely to confuse the enemy.
- You might be a musician
if...you try to figure out
what song is printed on cute music mugs you see in stores.
- Who's the patron
saint of accordionists? Our Lady of Spain.
- Food for thought, or your
moment of Zen: "What instrument do banjo
players play best?"
A pile of all the individual orchestral voices, transposed to C so that
nobody else can understand anything.
- Harmonic Minor: A
good music student.
- Did you hear about the
violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes? The rest of the orchestra
didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
- What's the difference
between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.
- Why was the piano player arrested? Because he got into
- Q: What's a bassoon good
for? A: Kindling for an
What's the difference between a
violin and a fiddle? A fiddle is fun to
- A harp is sort of a naked piano.
- We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher
gave him two sticks, and he became a drummer - but he lost one so he became
- Why is a person who plays the piano called a
pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
piano tuner: A person employed to come into the home, rearrange the
furniture, and annoy the cat. The tuner's chief purpose is to ascertain the
breaking point of the piano's strings.
Why did Mozart
kill his chickens?
Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"
- Cadenza : that ugly
thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes.
What do you call a fish
A piano tuna.
- An accordion is just a
bagpipe with pleats.
- Why do bagpipe players walk while
To get away from the
- What's the
difference between a fiddle and a violin?
A fiddle has beer stains.
- What do you get
when 20 violinists start playing at the same time but play different songs?
A senseless act
- What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
FRUGALHORN: A sensible and inexpensive
FIDDLER CRABS: Grumpy string players
DILL PICCOLO: A small wind
instrument which only plays sour notes.
GAUL BLATTER: A
French horn player
PLACEBO DOMINGO: A
FERMANTRA: A note
held over and over and over and over and . . .
Accompanied by knee-slapping
AN-DANTE: A tempo
that's infernally slow
ESPRESSIVO: Used to
indicate permission to take a coffee break
you're 16 measures into the piece and realize you took too fast a tempo
FERMOOTA: A note of dubious
value held for indefinite length
that happens when you forget what the composer wrote
series of notes not intended by the composer, yet played with an "I meant to
do that" attitude
to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall
- RUBATO: A cross
between a rhubarb and a tomato
- PASTORALE: The
beverage to drink in the country when listening to Beethoven with a member
of the clergy
- TROUBLE CLEF: Any
clef one can't read: e.g., alto clef for pianists
- MAESTRO: A person who,
standing in front of the orchestra and/or chorus, is able to follow them
A sudden burst of music from the Guy Lombardo band
- CACOPHANY: A
composition incorporating many people with chest colds
- TEMPO TANTRUM: What
an elementary school orchestra is having when it's not following the
conductor (also common in municipal bands and community orchestras)
- GROUND HOG: Someone
who takes control of the repeated bassline and won't let anyone else play it
- BASSO CONTINUO: When
musicians are still fishing long after the legal season has ended
- How many bass players does
it take to change a light bulb? None; they can't get up that high!
Perfect Pitch: the smooth coating on a freshly paved road
What do you call a robot that
composes musicals? Android Lloyd Webber!
Relative Major: an uncle in the Marine Corps
- Cut Time:
What happens when you
combine diminished and augmented chords? You get demented chords!
On that note...
El Fin, the Finale
(and kindly see just below,
before you exit the Page...)
Please visit my Music
Stuff Blog @ http://chm-musicstuff.blogspot.com for any new old bad
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