Bad Music Joke of the Week ARCHIVE:

These jokes are so bad I can't Handel them.
They make me Lizstless.
They can be too Mendelssohn.
You'd better go out Bach and stay in Haydn.

•  Cadence: When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.
   Final Cadence: When they force you to stop.
•  Virtuoso: a musician with very high morals. (I know one.)
•  There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.
•  What does a Steinway? Oh, about 800 pounds.
•  What's the first thing a musician says at work?
  "Would you like fries with that?''
•  MUSIC: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience
•  Accidentals- Wrong notes.
   Agitato- One's state of mind after playing a wrong note.
•  Transposition: The act of moving the pitch of a piece of music that is too
  high for the sopranos to a point where it is too low for the basses.
•  Arpeggio: "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
•  What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
   No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
•  The stages of a musician's life:
   1.Who is <musician's name>?
   2.Get me <musician's name>.
   3.Get me someone who sounds like <musician's name>.
   4.Get me a young <musician's name>.
   5.Who is <musician's name>?
•  You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
   Reply: Yes you can, you simply adjust its scales.
•  Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
   A: A flat major.
•  Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
   A: A flat miner.
•  Clef: What you try never to fall off of.
   Bass Clef: Where you land if you do fall off.
•  Metronome: a city-dwelling dwarf
•  Cello: the proper way to answer the phone.
•  Baldwin = People without hair win.
•  Melodic Minor: Loretta Lynn's singing dad.
•  Aeolian mode: how you like Mama's cherry pie.
•  Allegro: leg fertilizer
•  Audition: The act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the
   sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.

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•  Pianos sure know how to put a damper on things.
•  Yamaha = Yes, Mother's funny
•  Food for thought:  Couldn't a tuba be considered heavy metal?
•  Tone Cluster: A chordal orgy first discovered by a well-endowed woman pianist leaning forward for a page turn.
•  Score: A pile of all the individual orchestral voices, transposed to C so that nobody else can understand anything. This is what conductors follow when they conduct, and it's assumed that they have studied it carefully. Very few conductors can read a score.
•  Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
•  Interval: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds:
  •  Major Interval:  a long time
  •  Minor Interval:  a few bars
  •  Inverted Interval:  when you have to go back one bar and try again
•  Da Capo Al Fine- I like your hat!
•  Rubato: Expression used to describe irregular behavior in a performer with sensations of angst in the mating period.  Especially common amongst tenors.
•  Bar Line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician
   or two.
•  First Inversion: Grandpa's battle group at Normandy.
•  Q:  Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
   A:  No, but if you'll hum a few bars, I'll try to fake it.
•  Orchestral suites: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras.
•  Q: What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?
   A: C sharp or B flat.
•  Gregorian chant: A way of singing in unison, invented by monks to hide snoring.
•  Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
•  Con Brio: Done with scouring pads and washboards.
• Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?
  A: A sharp major.  
  Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
  A: A flat major.
  Q: What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller?
  A: Be flat, major.
  Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
  A: See flat major.
•  Q: What's the difference between musicians and government bonds?
   A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
•  If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
•  What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who can play 5 musical instruments?  Stump the Band.
•  Q. Why are violins smaller than violas?
   A. They are really the same size. Violinists' heads are larger.
•  Time Signature: what you need from your boss if you forget to clock in.
•  Chromatic Scale: An instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.
•  Musicians & Parking Meters
  •  Compound Meter: A place to park your car that requires two dimes.
  •  Duple Meter: May take any even number of coins.
  •  Triple Meter: Only rich people should park by these.
  •  Meter Signature: The name of the maid who writes you a ticket when you put an odd number of coins in a duple meter.
  TOP    

•  Agnus Dei: A woman composer famous for her church music
•  Altered Chord: A sonority that has been spayed.
•  Glissando: The musical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel.
•  treble: women [men] ain't nothin' but
•  bass: the things you run around in baseball
•  Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
•  Messiah: An oratorio by Handel performed every Christmas by choirs that believe they are good enough, in cooperation with musicians who need the money.
•  Did you hear that Mr. Solfege had a dog?  His name was Feedo.
•  Duration: Can be used to describe how long a music teacher can exercise self-control.
•  FERMATA: A chance for the conductor to catch his breath while  attempting to make his wind players pass out.
• "Beethoven had an ear for music." -- anonymous
•  Why did the Philharmonic disband?  Excessive sax and violins.
•  Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
   A: Bach in the saddle again.
•  Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch - and when
•  Clarinet: name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.
•  Transpositions: Men who wear dresses.
•  Tempo -- Good choice for a used car
• "In opera, there is always too much singing." -- Claude Debussy
•  What's the best or fastest way to tune a banjo?
   With wire cutters.
•  Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives
•  Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon? 
   A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon. 
•  Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:
  •  Violinist: 25 feet
  •  Bad Violinist: 50 feet
  •  Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
  •  15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
  •  Accordionist: 60 miles
  TOP    

•  Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
• The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
•  Misery is...
  ...knowing that your hard drive has more gigs than you do.
•  Steven Wright: I play the harmonica.  The only way I can play is if I get my car
  going really fast, and stick it out the window.
•  What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord?
  • A demented chord.
• What's an accordion good for? Learning how to fold a map.
•  What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
  A pair of Re-bachs.
•  BI-SECTIONAL -
   The term given to one who plays different instruments for different ensembles.
•  A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a new theatrical season:  "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
•  Q: Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
   A: It took two hours to get the drummer out.
•  What do you call a person who plays the viola?  A violator.
•  What's the best thing to play on a guitar? Solitaire.
•  Q: Why did they bury the conductor 20 feet under?
   A: Because deep down, he was a really nice guy.
•  What is a brass player's favorite movie?
  • Gone with the Woodwinds.
•  Countertenor: A singing waiter.
•  One friend to another: "Why do you hang around with that drummer??"  
  • "Beats me!"
•  Why does a violinist have a handkerchief under his chin when he plays?
   Because violins have no spit valve.
• How many times does a horn player laugh at a joke? - Once, when he hears it.
  How many times does a trumpet player laugh at a joke? - Twice, once when he hears it and again when he gets it.
  How many times does a tuba player laugh at a joke - Three times, once when he hears it, once when it's explained to him and once when he gets it.
  How many times does a percussionist laugh at a joke? -  He doesn't.  He starts a fight because he thinks everyone is laughing at him.
• Why was the piano invented?
  • So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
• How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
  •  Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how Louie Armstrong would have done it.
• Cadence:  The short nickname of a rock group whose full name is Cadence Clearwater Revival.
• What's half of a tuba? A one-ba!
• The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the Majesty of God, and in its ending we know the Grace of God.
• Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.
• Guy goes through customs with a banjo case. The inspector nervously asks the man to set the case on the table. Sweating, the inspector uses a long stick to slowly open the case. He sighs a sigh of relief when the contents reveal a machine gun and miscellaneous explosives. "Pass! For a minute there, I thought you had a banjo..."
• Opera:  When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings.
• Semiconductors are part-time musicians.
• What's a tuba for?  a 1 1/2 X 3 1/2 wooden board
• What's the range of a tuba?  20 yards if you've got a good arm.
• How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.
• Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? A bassoon burns longer.
• Q: How do you contact a baritone player?  A: You-phone-`em.
• French Horn: What wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
• Flute: A sophisticated pea shooter with a range of up to 500 yards, blown transversely to confuse the enemy.
• You might be a musician if...you try to figure out what song is printed on cute music mugs you see in stores. 
• Who's the patron saint of accordionists? Our Lady of Spain.
• Food for thought, or your moment of Zen: "What instrument do banjo players play best?"
• Score: A pile of all the individual orchestral voices, transposed to C so that nobody else can understand anything.
• Harmonic Minor: A good music student.
• Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes? The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
• What's the difference between a cello and a viola?  The cello burns longer.
• Why was the piano player arrested?  Because he got into treble.
• Q: What's a bassoon good for? A: Kindling for an accordion fire.
• What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle? A fiddle is fun to listen to.
• A harp is sort of a naked piano.
• We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks, and he became a drummer - but he lost one so he became a conductor.
• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
• piano tuner: A person employed to come into the home, rearrange the furniture, and annoy the cat. The tuner's chief purpose is to ascertain the breaking point of the piano's strings.
• Why did Mozart kill his chickens? -- Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"
• Cadenza : that ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes.
• What do you call a fish musician? A piano tuna.
• An accordion is just a bagpipe with pleats.
• Why do bagpipe players walk while they play? To get away from the noise.
• What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin? A fiddle has beer stains.
• What do you get when 20 violinists start playing at the same time but play different songs? A senseless act of violins.
• What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet? About three decibels.
• FRUGALHORN: A sensible and inexpensive brass instrument
• FIDDLER CRABS: Grumpy string players
• DILL PICCOLO:  A small wind instrument which only plays sour notes. 
• GAUL BLATTER: A French horn player
• PLACEBO DOMINGO: A faux tenor
• FERMANTRA: A note held over and over and over and over and . . .
• A PATELLA: Accompanied by knee-slapping
• AN-DANTE: A tempo that's infernally slow
• ESPRESSIVO: Used to indicate permission to take a coffee break
• ALLREGRETTO: When you're 16 measures into the piece and realize you took too fast a tempo 
• FERMOOTA: A note of dubious value held for indefinite length
• CADENZA: Something that happens when you forget what the composer wrote
• APPROXIMATURA: A series of notes not intended by the composer, yet played with an "I meant to do that" attitude
• ANTIPHONAL: Referring to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall
• RUBATO: A cross between a rhubarb and a tomato
• PASTORALE: The beverage to drink in the country when listening to Beethoven with a member of the clergy
• TROUBLE CLEF: Any clef one can't read: e.g., alto clef for pianists
• MAESTRO: A person who, standing in front of the orchestra and/or chorus, is able to follow them precisely.
• SCHMALZANDO: A sudden burst of music from the Guy Lombardo band
• CACOPHANY: A composition incorporating many people with chest colds
• TEMPO TANTRUM: What an elementary school orchestra is having when it's not following the conductor (also common in municipal bands and community orchestras) 
• GROUND HOG: Someone who takes control of the repeated bassline and won't let anyone else play it
• BASSO CONTINUO: When musicians are still fishing long after the legal season has ended
• How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None; they can't get up that high!
• Perfect Pitch: the smooth coating on a freshly paved road
• What do you call a robot that composes musicals? Android Lloyd Webber!
• Relative Major: an uncle in the Marine Corps
• Cut Time:  parole
• What happens when you combine diminished and augmented chords? You get demented chords!

On that note...

El Fin, the Finale

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